Finding My Way Back…

A week and one day…that’s how long it’s been since husband got on a plane headed back to the litter box full of turds on the other side of the world.

I keep trying to remind myself that it’s only been a week – but at the same time, my rational voice keeps yelling at me to get over it, he was only home two weeks. How settled could you have truly gotten in two freaking weeks? Stop the pity party and get on with it.

The Army makes a big deal about soldiers coming home – and how they need to take things slowly, how things may be different or take time to feel “normal.” Husband and I never have had that problem though. Each time he comes home, we’re both amazed at how it feels as though he was never gone.

The first time he deployed to the middle east, he wasn’t gone a year. So, when he came back and things were immediately back to normal, we didn’t think much of it. When he went a second time in 2003 to the middle east and was gone an entire year in Ramadi, Iraq, I worried that we might have a hard time adjusting when he came home. The year he spent in Ramadi was hard on both of us – he lost friends and co-workers and the stress on the families here at home was awful. It was a long, emotional year. When he came home though, again, it was as though he’d never been gone. The minute we saw each other, everything fell right back into place.

This tour hasn’t been as hard emotionally here at home. Ramadi was just a rough place and where he is now, while it’s not all wine and roses, it’s definitely not as bad as the last time. The R&R had me a bit worried though. Since we didn’t have this experience before, I worried a bit. Not so much about the reunion, but the good-bye being again so soon…

When we picked him up at the airport, the minute we hugged him it was as it’s always been…like he was never gone.

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Well, he’s now been gone two weeks and one day. Last week I just closed myself up in this house and went between wanting to cry and being pissed at the world. My normal adjustment. Anger is my defense mechanism. Always has been I guess and unfortunately I can do it OH SO well heh heh.

I let myself have a good long sob in the bathroom on Friday – and unfortunately my children heard. I just detest that…on the one hand I want them to know it’s ok to cry and grieve when Daddy goes away, but at the same time, the only glue holding us together these days is me. I’m not a big crier in front of my children, so when I do cry it scares them and that’s the last thing they need.

After enough years of this, I know this is my normal. It doesn’t make it any easier though. The anger part is slowly subsiding. By the time the babies head back to school at the end of August, hopefully I’ll have my shit together. I just honestly didn’t think him being home two weeks would make this deployment feel as though we’re starting ALL over again. I’m such an idiot….I should have known.

At any rate, August starts tomorrow. Month NUMBER ELEVEN. Four more to go. I still have to make it through son’s birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving and if my luck is as usual, Christmas too. Just sucks and I’m not quite ready to say I’m done with my pity party for one. Almost, but I’m just not quite there….

Damn I miss you and I cannot wait until the day is here when you’re finally home for good….I love you so very much.

Long Time No Post…

Yep, I suck big time. I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I’ve blogged. I get online regularly, with every intention of updating my blog. However, after reading my favorite blogs and news sites, I end up running out of time or can’t seem to find anything remotely interesting to write about.

I titled this post and wrote the first sentence at 9:30 tonight – and here it is now 10:31 and I struggled to finish the first paragraph. I used to could write three pages on any topic I could think up. These days, I feel like I’m doing good if I can write husband an email that won’t bore him to tears.

Lets see. I guess I could tell ya what we’ve been up to the last two months. We spent a lot of time at the baseball field. Son played Coach-Pitch this year and had a wonderful time! He picked up the basics really quickly and enjoyed not only the games, but practicing catching and hitting in the backyard with daughter and I. I don’t know who enjoyed the games more – me or him lol. This age is so much fun to watch…all of us parents cheer for all the players on both teams and we all get quite a few laughs at how easily they get distracted in the outfield by birds, the dirt on the field, clouds etc.

The absolute best part was the fact that husband was able to be here for his last few games. I’d sent pictures of son playing of course, but that’s not the same as being there. And, personally, it stinks to go to the games alone week after week. It’s hard to sit there in the bleachers alone while surrounded by couples. The worst though, is seeing the look on your baby’s face when a team-mate yells, “Daddy, did you see that?!” That look of sadness mixed with a touch of envy that only other military families know and understand…the look that breaks your heart and hurts your soul. So, having husband home was wonderful, but having him make it home in time to watch son finish out his first season of baseball was something truly special.

I’m thankful husband was able to come home on R&R this time around. Had they not been extended, he probably wouldn’t have gotten it this tour either. Of course, if I had my rathers lol, we would have skipped R&R and he’d only be gone 12 months and not 15. My opinion was not sought though, damn it . Anyhow, husband’s just from the old school I guess – where you put your folks first. Therefore, there was no way in hell he would get on a plane until all his people had gone home on R&R first. Sometimes it sucks lol being married to a great soldier who truly cares about those he works with, but jokes aside, I understand his thinking and I deeply admire his character and integrity. And, I’m so proud to be his wife.

We had a wonderful two weeks together. We’d considered going on vacation while he was here, but in the end, we stayed close to home and just enjoyed our time together as a family. I was afraid I’d blink and the two weeks would be over. However, we were surprised that the first week didn’t go by too fast. That last week though, whew. Before we knew it, the time to take him back to the airport was here and damn was it hard on all four of us.

While he was home, we celebrated daughter’s 10th birthday. We just cannot believe she’s already 10 years old. I honestly don’t know how ten years have passed by that quickly. She’s so grown up already and we know she’ll be heading to college before we are ready. Talking to her, you’d think she was ten going on seventeen – she’s just so mature for her age.

We had a lot of talks about retirement while he was home. He’s decided when he’s dropping his paperwork and pretty much already has it figured out when he’ll start terminal leave in 2008. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about him retiring. That worry being that he won’t find something else to do that he truly enjoys like he has enjoyed his 24 years in the Army. I want him to be happy and I worry that he just won’t be happy once he retires. He assures me he’s beyond ready. Says he’s tired, he’s getting old etc.

With retirement upon the horizon, while he was home we decided to go ahead and get rid of one of the Mustangs. With two children and two large dogs, two muscle cars weren’t going to work in the long haul. We really did need a family vehicle, so I didn’t protest too much lol. We looked around and test drove a number of different SUVs and ended up getting a good deal on a Jeep Commander. It’s roomy and because it’s silver with a gray interior, it’s MUCH cooler to get into than my red Mustang with black leather interior lol. It rides so nice and the babies are loving being able to take a bunch of toys with them when we drive the thirty plus minutes to go to Walmart or the commissary . I hate to give up the red Mustang, but husband deserves to drive the muscle car – and it’s time my mid-life crisis comes to an end LMAO. As long as I’ll get to drive it once in a while, I’ll be fine lol.

Whelp, guess that’s all the updates I have. Last Monday we took husband to the airport. I’ve spent the last week trying to find my way back to being ok without him home. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m slowly finding my way back… I’ll be so glad when this deployment is finally over – and hopefully, it will be the last time we ever spend even one night apart.